I know you have been so miserable these past few years. You have been through so much more in your life than I could ever imagine. You have more wisdom and experience in your pinky toe than I will probably ever have in my lifetime. You are such a great person, hard working, loving, caring person.

You do have 1 weakness; alcohol. I wish that you would have been able to find the strength to give it up when my mom and I left you because of it. Or maybe after the third job you lost over it. Or even when you fell down the stairs and injured your brain because of it. I’m so sorry about so much. I’m so sorry that I harbored this animosity toward you for so long. I’m so sorry that I pushed you away, when deep down, I knew that I was the only thing in this world that brought you joy. I’m so sorry that I ignored your phone calls all of those times and I’m so sorry that I never returned them. I’m so sorry that I never built up the courage to tell you any of this before it was too late.

And now I’m not just sorry for you, but I’m also sorry for myself. I’m sorry that you will never get to meet your wonderful grandson, he looks just like you. I’m sorry that you won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I marry Owen, which will be in the next year or two. I’m sorry that I have to live with the fact that I never called you back last week. 

I’m sorry that you had to leave this world alone, with no one by your side. I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to make your life more enjoyable. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. And though I’m sure you have already forgiven me for this, I’m not sure that I will ever be able to forgive myself. 

I have so much more to say to you, but I will tell you when I see you again, and I know I will see you again. I know that you are up in Heaven helping Jesus and the angels prepare my place. I will never forget your goodness and all of the wonderful things that you taught me throughout the years. And though you weren’t always around when I was growing up, I did know that you loved me more than anything. I just really hope that even though I didn’t tell you I loved you, you knew I did as well. I really hope that you didn’t leave this world thinking that you weren’t loved.

I forgive you Dad, for everything that you have put me through. It’s okay. And I hope that you are having an incredible time in heaven, where you belong. <3

With all my heart, 

Rhiannon 

watching Jersey Shore, regrettably. And I start thinking about how outgoing these people are. I mean, I think it is so cool that people can just be themselves around anybody and say whatever they feel. I am unable to do this. I used to not care and I used to be myself but now, I am too uncomfortable in my own skin, and it is sad. I feel like people judge every little move you make; dissect every sentence; study every flaw that you have. 

I recently met fiances group of friends. Everything was cool while we were there, we all got along fine, but I just felt awkward. I didn’t know any of them and they were all reminiscing. I just couldn’t relate to any of them on any level it seemed. Mind you, I was pregnant, and I just KNEW that these people didn’t like me. Owen, my fiance, kept assuring me that I was just jumping to conclusions. Well, a few months later Owen and I got into a huge fight and he went there for the weekend, only to find out that in fact, they did not like me. His best friends girlfriend, Ashley, told Owen that I wanted to be the center of attention, and this is why she did not like me. This could not be further from the truth! I hate attention, I hate being stared at, being loud, being talked to by people I don’t know. I had and still have no idea what logic is behind her opinion. I cried for too many hours over these people while I was pregnant, they made my life hell, and they didn’t even know they were doing it. It still upsets me sometimes because I have to have a relationship with them, and I feel like I can’t pretend to be okay with the things that they think about me. Their sons first birthday is in a couple weeks, and I am required to go to this party. As well as their wedding in November, in which Owen’s ex girlfriend is the Maid of Honor. Awkward-I know. Sometimes it gets to me because I don’t understand why they like her, but I’m not good enough for them. IDK. I guess I’m done complaining about my pathetic feelings for tonight. 

just took a giant shit all over my mom. hahahaha what a great moment.

was the first day all week that I have actually been happy. I recently gave birth to the most amazing human being. He is now 9 weeks old, and so incredible. As most new mothers, I have been extremely stressed out by this huge change in my life. Gabriel sleeps pretty much through the night, and naps beautifully during the day. So it’s not the lack of sleep that I’m trying to get used to as much as having this little person on me at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly and would not change him for the world, it just gets tiring sometimes. He is one of those babies that was ‘born standing’. He will not sit still, he NEVER sits still, unless he is sleeping. He gets really frustrated by the fact that he cannot yet walk, which in turn frustrates me. I am slowly learning how to suppress my frustration and be more patient with him. I have to hold him when he is awake, because if I put him in his Johnny Jump Up, his legs will get bowed, and if I put him in his exercauser, his legs will get bowed. Not to mention that the age on both of those is 4 months. Anyways, it is just really difficult at the moment. And though I love my son will all of my heart and soul, sometimes I just need a break. 

how this works, but I’m sure I will get the hang of it soon.